Call me Dreamer: Help Yourself Buffet

Can anyone relate?

One of the things I struggled while growing up, which accumulated internally and led to problems later on in life, was asking for help.

Recently, I've felt that asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness in society. I think that's damaging and that culture needs to change.

Let me back up and explain. When I meant asking for help, it wasn't about asking for help on a question I didn't understand or something was too heavy to carry, it was more about internal demons that I didn't even realize I had in the beginning. Growing up moving around, I'd gotten used to being the person who filled the role of listener or problem solver. I've always liked helping people so it never bothered me until I realized no one ever asked about me and if I had any problems. So I couldn't help but wonder, are these people really my friends or am I just being used cause I am a convenient, impartial moderator? When things were bad, I'd always be relied on, but when things were good, I felt excluded and alone even when I was with other people. However, I had already sealed my own fate because of the way I acted in front of them as someone with an outgoing, slightly clumsy, fun-loving, nerd personality. I had never opened myself up so it was hypocritical of me to even expect them to know how am I feeling when they didn't even know who I really was. In my head, I also knew I wasn't the only one putting on a farce. We did it because we wouldn't be involved in drama, we'd fit in better for those 2-3 years before everyone moved again to a new place, and moved on with their lives. Once again, like clockwork, the persona creation would begin. The last mask becoming a forgotten tale.

One of the things I regret the most is not being honest about how hurt I was and how much trust I lost in people due to those recurring incidents. My motto of not being involved in drama got even stronger to the point I decided I didn't want to be involved in any cliques. From then on, I never had one solid group of friends, rather I had close "friends" scattered across a couple of different groups. It was a very conscious choice because I didn't want a repeat of what had happened before and I was tired of drama and tired of being stuck between people. That's all hypothetical though. I don't how it would've really turned out if I had trusted people more because I never tried. I was so afraid. I built my own icy barricade: isolation. At school, I only made small talk about classes, teachers, the latest movies or music, and joked around. Surface level stuff. Again, I ended up talking about things that didn't matter.

are you okay sign language GIF by Sign with Robert

Things got much worse before they got better and I don't know if I'll talk about it here, but the important thing is I'm okay now. Honestly, I'm happy and I've definitely found peace within myself. The reason why I wrote this is because I think everyone has a struggle. Everyone is worried and stressed about something. The biggest problem in today's society is the amount of pressure we put on ourselves not what society puts on us. We don't take our happiness as our own. Instead, we validate happiness on what society thinks makes us happy. You got a good grade, you should be happy. You're dating, you should be happy all the time. People are so stressed about being happy. It's become an endless game till you die. If you set this goal and achieve it, you should be happy. Why is it a cause and effect? Shouldn't happiness just exist?

Don't seek happiness from results-my dad always says. You should be happy every day and you could be sad every day too. Emotions have never been and never should be quantifiable. This also means your happiness or your sadness cannot be compared to someone else's. Everyone experiences life differently so let them be. I'm not very religious, but I personally believe in finding happiness in little things. However, people have different philosophies and I understand that, but regardless you're human, so something must make you happy. Find those things that make you happy and build yourself up, become stronger.

The other reason why I wrote the post is because I don't want people to reach the low point I did to get help. Shutting yourself off will only bring you more pain later on. I'm sure every one of you reading this has at least one person who you know who cares about you. Be honest with that person, be you!

Also, I wanted to let people know that I am available through Facebook, Instagram: tikiparrot, or Email: avantika.bhaduri@gmail.com if you just need someone to be there for you and listen to. Sometimes its easier to talk to people who don't know as much about your whole situation, but talking to someone regardless of who helps, trust me :) Please don't be afraid to reach out!!! Even if you feel like a failure, ashamed at yourself, embarrassed, and you know its only your fault for how things ended up. It doesn't matter what your story is-I will always be here to listen with no judgment <3 Here's a cat video->

I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for some amazing people. Thank you to them. You know who you are. I love you so much <3 It really scares me that I almost chose to give up the life I'm living right now, but I am so happy that I didn't because I've never been happier and felt as free.

Here are 5 more songs that have been stuck in my head :) How is everyone doing?

Summer Vibes Playlist:

Grow As We Go-Ben Platt