Lost in June

This month, I have been living alone in the dorms and having been thrust more responsibility than usual college life (making my own meals, doing groceries), I have had more time for rumination recently. I have gone back to the whimsical me of when I am walking down the streets, listening to music, I can transport myself to another world, another story, another me. Is that relatable or weird? I don't know. Either way, at the beginning of the summer, both my mind and heart were in a state of confusion. It is not like I did not have a plan for the future, I had plans. I could do this or this or this and if I did this then I could do that or if I didn't do this that path is closed. My mom said to stop overthinking. She's probably right, but I can't help but think:

Again, I'm standing on a precipice

Unsure of which way to turn

I waste time deciding 

As the world moves along, 

      I

      Fall.

Does everyone have this inherent feeling that they are going to screw up? It is not from the gap between expectations and reality that causes this unrest in my heart. I know exactly what I am capable of while anchored by my flaws. Talking to people older than me and asking, how did you decide this was it, this is what I  am binding my life to, this is who I am going to be from now on, definitely provided clarity. It helped me narrow down my possibilities and made me realize, for example, plan B is probably something I do not want to do.  However, pursuing a passion is more important than a plan. Ideally, the plan should be pursuing your passion effectively. 

“Every last person I've seen was the same way. Whether it was booze, women or even God. Family, the king, dreams, children, power... They couldn't keep going unless they were drunk on something. They were all slaves to something.” 

― Hajime Isayama, 進撃の巨人 17 [Shingeki no Kyojin 17]

So, what am I passionate about? 

Human Connection. 

That sounds rather broad and self-important, but I think that's about the closest I can come to describing what I am passionate about and what kind of legacy I want to leave behind. 

Finding people who understand, love, and respect you despite knowing you is the greatest gift of all. If you even have one person on your side, you feel good. Inside, you feel full. 

Like I said, this is not a solid conclusion, but I have realized I need to stop being so focused on paths and just do stuff I want to do- in regards to classes particularly. Yes, you are bound by major and minor and whatever other self-constraint you have put on yourself, but there is still room to take classes you want just because you are interested in it.  

Honestly, the class I am most excited for next semester is my topics in film class which centers around storytelling and cinema. I thought about changing my schedule (to make it more hmmm... competitive?), but at the end of the day, I decided to trust the "me" of that time who made those decisions because it wasn't without thought. 

Writing and reading again and finding gems whether its a show or a song that just resonates with me, as well having multiple meaningful conversations this past month has just helped me figure myself out a little bit more and given me a bit more confidence in myself.

Obviously, I still haven't figured out everything, but one thing I do know is that I'll continue to do my best and war within myself to achieve that best with a little from everyone else :)

I haven't done this awhile, but I wanted to share my Summer Vibes playlist so here it is, the songs that have been on repeat:

Summer Vibes Playlist:

1) Senorita-Shawn Mendes, Camilla Cabello (Finally another collab!!!)

                             2) Reset-Mukai Taichi (Loved Run with the Wind and loved both Endings)

3) Mystery of Love-Sufjan Stevens (Haven't watched the movie yet, but I already got all the feels from this song)

4) Dream Glow-BTS (Feat. Charli XCX) (Jimin's voice in this)

5) Shoukei to Shikabane no Michi-Linked Horizon (This w/ Headphones+Attack on Titan was <3 Also check out the anime March Comes in like a Lion !!!)